Title: Old habits die hard
Author: Asmesia
Fandom: X/1999
Character / Couple : Sumeragi Subaru / Kamui Shiro
Rating: PG13
Prompt: # 1 Old habits die hard
Word Count: 2407
Warning: Post series, shonen to .
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Clamp.
Table: Table
1 - Old habits are hard to die
is true, now Kamui says he used to those things, and there is even a footprint of sincerity in his words.
course, it is difficult and in some ways that new life is killing him. Sure, you may think that he is okay, a hybrid between a long and painful ordeal and a suicide.
Sometimes he gets up, and if it is the place where Subaru wants to live, he happens to blush with shame to see some stains on the floor. With patience soaked rags and wipes.
If you find elsewhere, may decide whether to run the new Sakurazukamori home immediately or wait a few days. Maybe you can even opt for some hours of fiction. In those moments he vows to change, to not see more Subaru claims to be tired of all the blood that stain, which has fouled before he was born and never want to stop sharing fragments of existence with a murderess. Even in these words there is a hint of sincerity.
Then, of course, in less than a week, is back there to clean spots and trying to somehow influence the lives of Subaru.
is improving lately, however, can take breaks. It manages to be absent for days, and feels on holiday, while behaving like an ordinary person. Log in restaurants and order food that most tempt him, he sits on the soft seats of the cinema halls without even having the foresight to know that film damage, walking the streets enjoying the thought of being hidden in a sea of people for which he is an unknown ingiudicabile.
But then again. It is a holiday, it is not real life.
course, can not even afford to consider the Subaru with a "real life", but one day it will. Provides tragedies that moment.
Subaru is the new Sakurazukamori and grotesque even see it. Black is not a color that suits him, not at all. With quell'impermeabile dark, with those leather gloves, with those cigarettes between their teeth, it looks like a serial killer who sometimes sees in his films.
That is, it would seem, if you do not know him too well. Can not erase the sad and gentle boy, good and friendly person who was at one time.
So it is strange look in his new clothes. It has the same irritating taste of some works of modern art, those created with dolls and teddy bears soaked with blood, wielding knives and guns.
Once he saw a poster in a snowman smiling approaching a match to a puddle of gasoline on her knees where she was a little girl who cried in alarm.
Yes, I know it's a horrible comparison, however misplaced. But it was natural, or maybe the damn thing's manifesto has been too impressed (he was only eight years old, for heaven's sake!).
It was unsettling to see Subaru kill a person. I already knew, of course, what is its new tasks, but watch the scene was shocking.
Remember to have vomited, and remember that Subaru had looked at the usually empty in the eyes before telling him that should have stayed home, as he had suggested.
His tone was cold as a corpse, but Kamui had warned him full of disdain.
no longer remembers why he had insisted so much, maybe he just wanted to have proof that Subaru was really spoiled with no possibility of return, would not be able to say.
must admit that Subaru is doing better expected. That is terrible, but it could still go down several steps.
Kamui would have bet on the success of the attempted end of the world (as if he had control) that would go mad in a month or two. Maximum one year limit.
No, instead. Broken, broken, broken, and reduced to a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of what it was, Subaru resists.
Kamui sometimes makes him out and maybe there's irony and perhaps sincerity in his voice.
-Not everyone get along, killing one person every two days, with a natural white as your mind .-
Subaru is not responding, Kamui and even expect it.
Despite the fact that Kamui now lives there, the two speak very little.
Subaru is away for most of the time, and Kamui wanders through the house like a cat. That the definition is fine, not a host, not a partner, not a home. He just sometimes, if you want, go there. And how can enter quit at any time. Subaru turns up the words during the thirty days, so he is indifferent. Yes, Kamui is a cat in the house.
When Sakurazukamori back, it's all routine. You take a shower, washes his stained clothes, sits down and usually remains in silence and contemplation until dinner, prepare a meal for himself and Kamui, if this is in his sight, and goes to sleep.
depressing.
Once Subaru spoke to him first. That day, overcame incredible thirty words.
-Sai, Kamui, I was thinking one thing .-
Kamui had waited for him to continue, but After a long wait had been forced to ask themselves who thought occupying his mind. The irony was not his fault, Kamui was convinced that Subaru did not think a long time.
-I was just wondering. Maybe, maybe I was always destined for this .-
He looked at his hands.
-Ever since I was born, since I inherited the name of Sumeragi, since I learned to speak, since Seishiro branded me, since I started doing exorcisms ... Maybe I was always intended to be what they are. It was a set course, a series of stages in a path without deviation. Inevitable that the growth of a plant. The seed may be similar to many others, the seed is not identifiable by untrained eyes, but in the end, although born in an environment contrary to his nature, the plant becomes what it is, no escape .-
Kamui had snorted.
-For me, Subaru, had hundreds of other options, other choices. If you are what you are to blame is yours. Put it right in the head, or lose sight of the reality of what you have not already done so .-
Subaru did not speak for the rest of the evening.
was a good thing for the moment Kamui had not marveled at the strange eloquence of others, or would not have had the courage to say those words, stunned by the miracle.
The burning sincerity in his voice.
Kamui would have a lot of questions for him, but asks for nothing. Perhaps because so much Subaru is not proven, or because they do not really care about the answers, or because he thinks that even the new Sakurazukamori knows himself enough.
you think it is an injustice that, if Subaru wants to talk, he always bend and the speech begins. Deserves his indifference, all right. But when you have these rare occasions, to hell with this shadow of pride.
-Kamui, Subaru tell me .- asked him one evening. -You can imagine why I made the choice I made? -
his voice was serious, he could see, and Kamui into something emotional, something now rare.
He laughed. Yes, because you can not betray his comrades, become a murderess, follow the family number one enemy, kill it many people to lose the account and then ask your cat quasi-"You know why I do it?".
the end he responded.
-Seishiro You still love, love him years after he died. Follow his will, kill and die every day in doing so. There is no passion in you, there is no shadow of life. Segui, passively, what he has commanded you .-
He laughed again, and there was nothing cheerful in her voice. Indeed, something bitter and twisted and soiled wrong that laugh.
-And I'm stupid, you think? I'm still tied to the Subaru that I knew, what saved me from my mind and shook my hand when I cried. It's my fault, I can not see in you that Subaru. Yes, something inside me keeps thinking that you are the person I was in love .-
His voice was quiet, just a bit 'tilted by a horrible joy.
-but because I think it does? I've thought long and the answer is only one. And no, it is plausible, but is less convoluted than the others. Out of habit, nothing more. Because you know, the Dark Kamui I killed him and I hate to hear about it, Kotori is underground, half of the other dragons is dead and the other half is trying to relearn how to live and I will not spoil them this possibility. It remains for me only you, even if we are so far as not even able to look and see what has become another. But at least you're there and you know, so I attack you with all my strength. I have no desire for the future and you're chained to the past, it was too painful to be here with you. None of you has the scent of the future or hope. I cling too much to the past for wanting to upset my habits. And I think that you are too weak .-
Subaru had not changed expression as he spoke.
-In our case, even love is a habit, you know? We are so used to thinking about that person, only to that person ... it is difficult to change. It would require too much effort to change these thoughts, no? You get up out of bed and immediately think Seishiro. Do you wear your clothes, which amazingly resemble his own, and think Seishiro. Nourish yourself, do you think you're alive, do you think Seishiro is no longer your fault, you get depressed and you still think of him. Kill and you convince yourself that the only thing you can do for him is to follow his orders without delay. You know you lose some 'life every day and think "at least Seishiro soon overtake them." Look at me and think "here because there is not Seishiro Kamui?". It would be hard to change, right? Kill the thought of him that fills every minute of your life .- pale
-that remains is why, Kamui? -
Subaru's voice was flat as usual. The boy shook his head.
-Rest because I want to save you. Yes, I know that is absurd. But I can not help thinking about you before you were so reduced. You know, the old habit of thinking we can save the people I love. Sometimes I think all this mess at the end of the world has taught me anything .-
That evening the conversation ended there. The next day he continued his usual routine Subaru, Kamui and he was not surprised.
Then one day, Kamui saw something unusual in him. In his almost complete apathy, there was a hint of sadness.
not even asked him why he (the shadow was just slightly, could have been the inexperience that do not always allow him to be totally insensitive), but it was Subaru talking.
-Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of my sister .-
Kamui did not say anything.
-fifteen years .-
few minutes later he was forced to continue, Kamui would not open his mouth.
-You know, I felt, I dunno, something like being sad. I said a prayer .-
Again silence. He continued his monologue.
-Sometimes I'm sorry. You know, I thought that was impossible now, but sometimes ... I'm sorry. I look at the body still warm and I think "poor" as people who see dead bodies on television. Poor thing, I think. Or "should just die?" And sometimes even "Why?" -
Kamui had finally burst out laughing, the laughter of many sick nights before.
-habits, Subaru, old habits. Never underestimate them. Govern our day, sometimes to the inertia of our lives change or be prevented from changing. The action performed thousands of times every day several times a day, bought over time, a familiar scent, comforting. Is rooted in us as a natural act, such as knowing how to read or write. This is done without thinking. But sometimes it's refreshing to find that some things are changed with great difficulty, right? Find crumbs of a previous life in your new life .-
-So ... these things are merely the result of habit? -
Kamui still smiling, wrong.
Yes, Subaru, nothing else. I am sorry to crush your hopes, but I hate to see people deceived .-
Perhaps it was only an impression, but he thought that the Subaru was increased in sadness. So he went on.
-You're not healing, you're not improving, there is nothing good in you. Yes, once you were a person that the victims would feel sincere pity. In fact, you were one of those guys who can not stand to see death and suffering. Now you're not coming back. Simply, you're so person who at times the habit takes over. In short, you were a person that many would call "good and sensible" for at least sixteen. It's not something that we can cancel it, the first years of life are important to its character. The prayers, piety, the shadow of some feeling, affection for the family ... The habits had for so many years die hard. Nothing more .-
Subaru looked down. After a few minutes Kamui knew that's all for now. Who knows Subaru when he would have wanted to exchange a few words.
Sakurazukamori When he retired to his room, went out the window and decided it would take a few days off.
Yes, sometimes needs to take a break. Do not do it on a whim, he needs it. A break from Subaru. From his air of "I do not want your pity, but you give it to me, so I am free to reject it but thanks for the thought."
He puts all his good will, but live in close contact with him is exhausting.
Sometimes really need a vacation. Even this is becoming a habit with him.
him now, if not the illusion of it anymore. Do not you think that these brief holidays will soon be able to prove that away from him, no. Subaru also hopes that you are not building up false hopes, because he is tired.
would be horrible to see him still linger in the air of reality, and then play the part of the evil that destroys his feelings.
now arrived at that point, they can not go back and if you really want to go you better start digging.
stinging in their lives, there is a chain of morbid habits. Nothing more.
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